Christmas? What happened to Halloween?

Seeing as though Halloween came and went without a (bilious or otherwise) post from me, thought I'd spread good cheer and a little horror at the same time.

Good cheer = won't mention the extraordinarily expensive Bugners Christmas commercial that, although somewhat lovely in places, largely looks like it was shot on a sound stage in Ardmore. Meeeouch! Hope it won't lead to orchard silences round the boardroom table! (Cue sound of world's smallest drum kit going badum-tish!)



(Also promise to refrain from comparing and contrasting how Bugners and their customers choose to piss their money away!)

Instead, the horror! Imagine working as a designer on poster art for blockbusters like Batman? Not only do the fab art directors have to fork out a new gem on an almost weekly basis, the net is littered with thousands of fanposters designed by - surprise, surprise - fans - some of whom have really turned their obsession into serious works of art. Try staying one step ahead of them! This is a real one - I believe - and hot of the presses. Nice work guys!
Nothing added but design ...

Merchandise of the Stars

The ugly sister of Advertising, Merchandising and celebrity endorsement is growing business. And what with the fantastic (apposite, to be ad-wanky) merchandising opportunity grabbed by Amy Winehouse below (no, really, it is her and they are actual products - seriously!) We thought we'd try to match a couple of celebs to the products with which they really should be associated.



So ... It's Britney, Beatch!


And Lindsey Lo-ham:-


What about Lionel's baby?


And finally, the queen of merchandising ...

Well, it's not like she isn't familiar with Mickey

SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH IN COPYWRITING

(GOITRES) Advertising is the latest in a long line of industries to benefit from great scientific advances. Mebolix International, one of the world’s most renowned Advertising Research companies, today announces the successful completion of a half-decades research into the most influential words in advertising.

Per Huhanson, Managing Director of Mebolix is quoted “We (Mebolix) commissioned Japanese firm Kimsui Independent Software Sciences to scan hundreds of thousands of ads from all over the world that have appeared within the last five years and correlated the ads with the impact on product purchase.”

Say goodbye to ‘New’, ‘Free’, ‘Latest’ and ‘Schlong’ and say hello to truly effective words like ‘Goose’, ‘Cantilever’ and ‘Alabaster’.

And now for the science: Essentially, the frequency of certain words in the most successful ads all owed them to create a list of the most powerful words in advertising.

Huhanson claims “Words lose their coinage over time and new words simply take over. Language is organic – and anything that’s organic just tastes better and is better for you, right? Although they tend to go off quicker - even in the fridge.”

Huhanson also says the application opportunities for this new research are endless. Mebolix are currently compiling ‘the least effective words in advertising’ shortlist (or should we say, mancini-list?).

Huhanson (currently single) says they are in advanced talks with the Japanese labs to create a new company K.I.S.S. Mebolix to look into ‘the most powerful pick-up lines’ for the multi-billion dollar dating industry.

THE MOST POWERFUL WORDS IN ADVERTISING

Curly
Alabaster
Patricide
Britney
Goose
Red
Pantywaist
Riboflavin
Schroon
Cantilever

Giving Something Back

We've noticed recently a disproportionately high number of comments (1) reflecting on perecived negativity in some of the posts on The Blog of Alan. In order to redress this and to give something back to our loyal blogiers, there follows Part One in our semi regular, partially flaccid Top Ten Tips for thriving in the once wonderfully wacky world of advertising ...

HOW TO GET A HEAD IN ADVERTISING

1.Inveigle your way onto the agency wig account.

(That's a lot of wig for just $7.95!)

2.Rehash old chestnuts for analgesic or sinus commercial.


3.Use phrenology as a core element in all layouts regardless of product.


4.Insist on your bonus being paid in cabbage or lettuce vouchers.


5.Cast only ex-Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer-now-working-on-Little-Britain actors for all commercial and voiceover work.


6.Buy a “Realistic lifelike silicone doll mannequin head” on eBay.


7.Get a colleague to help you re-enact your favourite Sweeney Todd scene using the agency guillotine (Top Tip: make sure you’re playing the Demon Barber role).


8.Get creative with a balloon, strips of newspaper, pva glue and some Pentels (if you don’t know what they are, use Sharpies instead)


9.Go fiddle with your secondlife avatar (it’s not a sin if you don’t take pleasure in it.)


10.Choose your own tsantsas from Doc Bwana's House of Shrunken Heads website (google it yourself, I feel dirty just researching it).



NEXT TIME: HOW TO GET HOW TO GET AHEAD IN ADVERTISING

Guess Who?

What Irish cider manufacturer forked out nothing but millions on an Irish Production Company to hire a foreign DOP for a ten day shoot (that included a second unit made up of an Oscar Gold Hollywood-class Irish crew!!!)? Same crowd that apparently chopped down an orchard only to replant the trees on a barren hillside covered with fake snow. At least they shot this one in Ireland, I suppose!!! How many pint bottles of cider would you have to buy to import the DOP? More than weren’t sold this poxy summer, no doubt!!

Platform Screws

Here's three advertising platforms that have obvious flaws:

Tesco
Every Lidl helps

There’s always a better job on recruitireland.com
Unless you wax supermodels for a living ...

Where would you be without McDonald’s?
Burger King (but still fat, ignorant and spotty)



Didl logo with thanks to: currychips.com